The Complex Journey to Adulthood

Daily writing prompt

When was the first time you really felt like a grown up (if ever)?

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Being an adult is much more difficult than I ever imagined growing up.  I remember my preschool days—playing “house” or “work,” pretending to cook meals or type on the wood that lined the sandbox.  I recall thinking that’s what adulthood was all about.  Having a family. Going to work.  Being able to do anything you wanted.  I look back at it now, wondering why I was so anxious and excited about becoming an adult.  Because now, I’d do anything to go back to the fun, simpler times in life. 

Society teaches us early that “being grown-up” is supposed to look like routines, roles, and expectations, but in reality, and from my personal viewpoint, it looks nothing like that.  You can’t just expect everyone to fall in line and live the same lives.  Adulthood reminds you that life sometimes doesn’t pan out the way you had planned.  It’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and often bumps in the road.  For me, as an adult, I’m just trying to survive the everyday.  I’m trying to live authentically myself and do it at my own pace.  I’m not leaning into societal expectations because I found out late in life, that it just doesn’t work for me.  

If I’m being honest, I don’t always feel like an adult—if ever.  Some days I still feel like that kid pretending to know what to do, trying to look responsible while secretly craving naps, comfort food, and cartoons.  There’s a part of me that wanted to grow up.  Maybe it’s the endless dreamer in, me, or maybe it’s the exhaustion of trying to fit in and meet standards that never truly fit who I am.  I’m still that frightened little girl inside who has no clue what they want to be when they grow up. In my late-thirties, I’m still trying to figure it all out. 

I joke that I have a bit of the “Peter Pan complex” — not in the sense that I’m avoiding responsibility, but because I crave wonder, imagination, and freedom.  I want to live gently, to laugh often, to find magic in small things.  Maybe that’s my version of adulthood.  One that allows room for both responsibility and play.  

So, when was the first time I felt like a grown-up?  Honestly, I’m not sure I ever have in the way I thought I would.  I see others living the life that was expected of me, and it makes me feel guilty and shameful for not amounting to what I “should be.” But maybe it’s about realizing that we’re all just figuring it out, learning, stumbling, and growing individually.  That’s what I hold onto.  And yes, you can still be an adult but also be a kid on the inside.  In the words of peter pan…never grow up.