Redefining Failure: Finding Myself Through the Struggle

Daily writing prompt

How has a failure, or apparent failure, set you up for later success?

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For most of my life, I carried the weight of feeling like a failure. I know a thing or two about it. I spent most of my years feeling a complete and utter disappointment. It wasn’t because I wasn’t capable, but because I wasn’t being true to myself. I would wear a mask to hide my identity. I just wanted my people to like me. I changed into what I assumed others wanted me to be.  

I would focus so much on the happiness and well-being of those around me that I neglected my own. In the process, I lost touch with who I really was. I lost touch with what I truly enjoyed. I also lost touch with what sparked joy in me. I regulated to meet the needs and preferences of others. This left me feeling overwhelmed, and mentally drained. Honestly, I was bored with my own life.

Throughout my life, I felt that I was failing in every aspect.  I was persistent with self-criticism, and I saw no value in my myself. I locked myself up in my “dungeon,” my room, isolating from the world. It still is my safe space, a place of comfort and ease. However, it was my prison. My life felt stagnant. Filled with a lack of motivation, and a very cloudy sense of direction. It was a deep emptiness that I just couldn’t shake. I never obtained the career I dreamed of. I’m single, 

Failure seemed to follow me at every turn. I was never the “best” at anything, always feeling like I was just average. I played sports growing up. Baseball was one I excelled in. But I was always too quiet and too shy to fully connect with teammates. My skills felt overshadowed by my social anxiety. Soccer was another sport I enjoyed. However, I avoided physical contact with other players. I feared judgment and retreated further into myself. 

Growing up overweight, I struggled with my body image. I had harsh criticisms of myself. These only reinforced my sense of failure. School wasn’t much better. I had undiagnosed ADHD. Although I was intelligent, I found it difficult to apply myself. Others seemed to do this effortlessly. 

I focused so much on staying invisible. I avoided any spotlight or attention. I didn’t participate by speaking up in class or answering questions. The thought of participating in oral reports or sitting through standardized testing made me anxious to the point of paralysis. My mind was always elsewhere. I was distracted and not fully engaged. I would rush through assignments. Finishing before everyone else was my goal.

But despite all of this, I always knew there was more to me. I knew deep down that I wasn’t just a collection of failures or missed opportunities. I knew I had so much to give if I could only see it for myself. And that realization became the catalyst for change.

I realized I couldn’t keep living in this space of self-doubt and confusion. I needed to seek help. I turned to a psychiatrist. I began a journey of self-discovery. This was something I had put off for far too long. 

With the guidance and support I received, I started to understand myself on a deeper level. The clarity I was finally getting allowed me to peel back the layers of doubt. The validation helped remove the shame that had built up over the years. Slowly but surely, I began to rebuild my sense of self, to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

It wasn’t an instant transformation. Every day I felt a little more secure. I became a little more confident in who I was. I realized that simply knowing myself—and accepting myself for who I truly am—is a victory. And that, in the end, is the kind of success that matters.