Learning to Set Boundaries After Being the “Reliable One” in Every Relationship

Setting boundaries has always been difficult for me.

I’m a very vulnerable person who gets hurt very easily. It’s like I’m a piece of glass just waiting to be shattered. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m kind. Generous. Easy going. But often, my sensitivities get the best of me and make me feel like I’m too insecure, too overly emotional, and too much of a burden.

I thought boundaries were walls. I thought they were something people put up when they were angry, hurt, or trying to keep others at a distance. So, my walls grew deep, thick, and higher as time went on.

But I’ve learned a lot over the years, and healthy boundaries are essential for our mental health. They’re about protecting your well-being and preserving the relationships that matter.

I used to have a friendship where I essentially became their unpaid therapist. I didn’t realize it back then, but it was always a one-sided friendship.

We would always do whatever she wanted to do. Whatever she wanted to talk about. Whatever she needed. And I’d be more than happy to accommodate. But when I look back now, I realize just how unhealthy that mindset was.

Growing up, I always took a back seat in friendships and let the other person shine. I suppose I just never wanted to burden anyone with my problems. So, I hid a lot of my feelings and emotions for the sake of helping someone else get through theirs.

Looking back, I think I convinced myself that being needed was the same thing as being valued.

I became this person’s rock. Their source of comfort. Their advice giver. I did anything and everything for them. But eventually, I got tired of being overlooked. I got tired of being stepped on. So, I opened up about my feelings and was met with rejection.

Turns out, they never cared about me. Only about themselves.

I saw, for the very first time, her true colors. And even though she hurt me deeply, I was still there wanting to be let back in. I still wanted to be her friend.

But I realized that she wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t care about my feelings, and that’s not someone I want to be around.

I wish I knew sooner just how much I was being used. But I’m happy that I stood up for myself regardless of the outcome. I never would have spoken up before. I never would have confronted anything. But I did it for me.

I realized I needed to set boundaries with certain people to protect myself and my well-being. I’ve let friendships go because of the boundaries I’ve set. And though it’s often a hard lesson to learn, it’s one that has been necessary for me.

The difficult thing about boundaries is that many of us aren’t taught how to set them. I think we’re taught how to be accommodating. But we’re rarely taught how to recognize when our own needs are being ignored.

And the more I reflect on that, the more I realize something important about myself and the way I am in relationships.

The more I look back, the more I notice it wasn’t just that I didn’t have any boundaries. It’s that I didn’t even realize I was allowed to have them.

I just always thought that being a good friend meant being available, being easy, being understanding at all times. I didn’t question how much of myself I was giving away in the process.

Now I see that the discomfort I used to ignore was actually information. It was showing me where I was overextending myself. Where I was shrinking to make things easier for someone else.

I think that boundaries are really just decisions you make to stay connected to yourself. Even if no one else notices at first.

A Simple Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries

For me, and maybe for you too

If I had to pause everything and really break down what I’m learning about boundaries in a real, lived way, it would look something like this:

• Notice how something feels before you say yes.
  That small pause, that slight discomfort, that “I don’t really want to” feeling—that’s usually your first boundary speaking. 
• Pay attention to patterns.
  Do you always feel drained after certain conversations or relationships? Do you always end up in the role of listener, fixer, or emotional support?
• Get honest with yourself first.
  Before you explain anything to anyone else, just admit it to yourself:
  I don’t actually want to do this.
  I’m saying yes out of guilt.
  This doesn’t feel balanced for me.
• Start small with saying no.
  You don’t have to make a big statement. Sometimes it’s just:
  “I can’t today.”
  “I need some space.”
  “That doesn’t work for me.”
• Let discomfort be part of it.
  Boundaries feel uncomfortable at first because they’re new—not because they’re wrong.
• Stop over-explaining.
  You don’t have to justify every boundary.
• Notice who respects your boundaries and who resists them.
  Both responses tell you something important.
• Don’t confuse guilt with wrongdoing.
  Feeling guilty doesn’t automatically mean you did something wrong—it often just means you’re doing something differently.
• Be consistent, even when it’s hard.
  Boundaries only become real when you stop abandoning them to keep the peace.

When did you first start believing that being “easygoing” meant your needs had to come last?

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”— Brené Brown

Listen to the podcast episode here: