Understanding My Feelings When I Can’t Find the Right Words
Most of the time, I don’t really have the words for what’s going on with me. Someone will ask me what’s wrong, and I automatically answer with “nothing.” It takes me a while to process how I’m really feeling in the moment, and sometimes it’s easier to brush it off than to explain myself.
To be honest, I have a hard time finding the right words to say. When something is genuinely wrong, I’ll try to express it, but my words don’t always come out the way I want them to. I might say something I don’t mean or explain myself in a way that confuses the other person. Because of that, I’ve learned to keep quiet rather than feel pressured to talk about something before I’m ready.
And truthfully, the question “What’s wrong?” has always bugged me. Even when nothing is wrong, once someone asks, my mood can drop. It’s like, I was in a great mood up until you asked. I know it usually comes from a place of concern, but I can’t help wondering what made them think something was wrong. Was it my facial expression? My quietness? My tone? It’s almost like, if nothing was wrong before, now there is because you’ve brought it to my attention.
Sometimes, being asked what’s wrong makes me overthink things that weren’t even on my mind to begin with. Other times, something really is bothering me, but I don’t immediately understand why. I’ll replay a conversation, think about something someone said, or realize later that an interaction affected me more than I initially thought.
It can take me hours or even until the next day to connect the dots. That can be frustrating, especially when someone expects me to explain how I feel before I’ve had a chance to figure it out myself.
I’ve always felt like I should automatically know how to respond in these situations. Other people seem to do it so easily. If something upsets them, they explain why. If something bothers them, they can talk about what happened. But feelings don’t work that way for me most of the time. I might know that something feels off without being able to explain exactly what it is or where that feeling is coming from.
Nine times out of ten, I say I’m fine just to take the attention off me. It’s easier than trying to explain something I might not fully understand myself. I get nervous when someone asks me a question about myself, especially when I feel like I need to have an answer right away. Instead of helping me figure out what I want to say, that pressure usually leads to even more overthinking.
A lot of this connects to my ADHD and autism. Learning more about neurodivergence has helped me understand myself and make sense of some of my reactions. I’m learning that there’s a difference between knowing something is bothering me and being able to communicate exactly why. I can understand why something affects me and still struggle to find the right words to explain it to someone else.
When you struggle to explain yourself, it’s easy for other people to make assumptions. They might think you’re upset with them, avoiding a conversation, or making a bigger deal out of something than you should. Meanwhile, you’re still trying to sort through your own thoughts and feelings, and now you feel like you have to explain yourself on top of everything else.
I know people can’t read my mind, and I don’t expect them to. But I wish there were more room to say, “I don’t know how to explain it yet,” without feeling like I have to come up with an answer right away. Not having the words in the moment doesn’t mean I don’t care about the conversation or don’t want to communicate. Sometimes, I just need more time to understand what’s going on inside my own head.
I’m learning that I don’t have to explain myself immediately. I don’t always know what I’m feeling or how to put it into words right away, and that’s okay. I can give myself time to figure things out instead of putting even more pressure on myself to have an answer before I’m ready.
What helps you when you’re struggling to understand or explain how you’re feeling?
“I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,” said Alice, “because I’m not myself, you see.” — Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
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