Beneath the Surface: Living with Constant Anxiety

Honestly… everything.

I’ve had an unwanted relationship with anxiety for years.  It’s followed me around like a shadow, grasping to my every limb. It’s the uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that often leaves me feeling physically, and emotionally ill. Sometimes I have full-blown anxiety attacks and meltdowns.  The thoughts that race through my brain are endless and unforgiving.  It leaves me feeling exhausted. 

I come across as calm, cool, and collected, but inside I’m genuinely scared. Scared of interactions, scared of communication, and scared of being myself.  This fear has stayed with me. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake the emotions I get when I’m nervous. 

Going out in public for me is like a mental obstacle course. I need to map everything out prior so I can go over various scenarios that could or couldn’t happen.  That alone gives me horrible anxiety.  This makes me feel like I’m in control of the situation, but even then, my mind never truly rests.  It never has. 

I’m observant, intuitive. I can read people rather well.  I know in moments if I’m going to be comfortable or not.  People genuinely make me anxious.  I don’t know why per say that is, but it’s an anxiety and nervousness that’s stayed with me for years. I’m never quite sure how they’ll respond to me or perceive me. 

One of my biggest fears is judgment.  I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria. If I feel like I’m being hurt in any way, shape, or form, I’ll negatively react to it. I’ll internalize it all the rejection and feel utter shame, guilt, and sadness. It’s hard to overcome and difficult to manage.  I never really know if I’ll have a meltdown right then and there or leave the situation entirely.  

And when it all becomes too much, my body lets me know. Sometimes it’s headaches, nausea. Or a full-on shutdown. My nerves are constantly on edge. Things like job interviews can set me off. Long drives, especially on highways—hello, highway hypnosis, or even just standing in a checkout line can also trigger me.

Making eye contact? That’s never been easy for me. It’s a challenge that I face daily.  I get so incredibly nervous.  It feels as though I’m revealing too much of myself and laying my soul bear.  It’s intimidating.  I don’t always know how to handle to overwhelm of looking someone in the eyes.  It’s so personal, at least to me. 

I must try and stop blaming myself for everything and look at the strengths I have.  I’m not weak, I’m human. Anxiety isn’t always visible to the naked eye.  Sometimes the most “put together” people are the ones fighting the hardest battles. 

If you can relate to this, I see you. If you don’t relate, I hope this offers a glimpse into the reality that so many of us live with.

What makes you nervous? I’d love to hear!

“Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far.”

jodi picoult