Why Traditional Self-Care Advice Doesn’t Always Work for Me

Growing up, I never really thought of self-care as something essential. Truthfully, I didn’t think about it much at all. I just pushed through everything—school, homework, soccer practices—all while silently feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was masking my way through most of it.

Back then, the only way I really took care of myself was by sticking to a routine. I’d wake up, go to school, do my homework, and then spend the rest of the day watching TV or lying in bed reading. I didn’t think of that as self-care; I just thought it was what I needed to recover. Looking back now, I can see that those moments were probably the only way I knew how to regulate myself.

I was pretty naïve as a child and even into adulthood. I didn’t know much about mental health, self-care, or wellness. I’d thought that everything was supposed to be standardized. I observed how other people lived and assumed I was supposed to do the same. Everyone seemed so active and involved in extracurriculars, while I personally couldn’t handle that much socializing because it drained me. Even then, I think I knew I needed more rest, more quiet, and more space.

I always tried to keep up with everyone. I played sports, which I enjoyed, but other activities, like dance and gymnastics, weren’t really for me. I’d do them anyway because other girls my age were doing them. I was constantly trying to fit into what looked “normal,” even when it didn’t feel natural. Looking back now, I see that for much of my life, I was forcing myself into routines, hobbies, and expectations that didn’t really fit who I was.

At the time, I didn’t know I had ADHD and autism. The signs were always there. I just didn’t recognize them, and the people around me didn’t seem to either because I hid everything so well. I learned how to blend in, how to suppress what I was feeling, and how to look “fine” even when I wasn’t.

Now that I understand myself better, self-care looks very different.

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Rest

For me, self-care starts with rest. I need it. I’ve learned that handling too much at once completely drains me. There are days when I shut my bedroom door, crawl into bed, and just need silence. I need alone time, space, and moments where I don’t have to perform or explain myself to anyone.

Writing

Writing is another big one for me. I know I say it all the time, but journaling really is one of the most important ways I take care of myself. It’s how I release tension, anxiety, and the thoughts that won’t stop circling in my head. Sometimes it’s easier to spill your guts on paper than it is to say it out loud. There are things I can write that I still don’t know how to say to another person, and honestly, that kind of release matters.

Dog Walks

Then there are dog walks, which I’ll admit are a struggle sometimes. I don’t always walk my dog as long as I probably should. There are days when I don’t feel like going outside or doing much movement at all. Some people might call that lazy, but I call it depression. Still, I know I always feel better when I actually follow through. There are times when even putting my shoes on feels like too much, but once I’m outside and the sun hits my face and my dog is happy, something shifts. My mind feels a little clearer. My body softens a little. It reminds me that being outside really does help, even when I forget.

Comfort Food

And of course, there’s comfort food. We all know food is one of my favorite topics. When I’m anxious, emotionally drained, or just plain tired, I want something cheesy, starchy, and filling. My go-to is usually pasta. It’s warm, familiar, and comforting. It doesn’t fix everything, but sometimes a comforting meal really can make a hard day feel a little more manageable.

Quiet Mornings

I also love slow, quiet mornings, even if I don’t have them as often as I should. I stay up later than I probably need to, so I don’t always get those peaceful early hours. But when I do wake up early enough to sit outside with a cup of coffee on the patio, everything feels brighter. My mind slows down, my body feels calm, and my mood lifts. Those moments do a lot for me.

Saying No

And then there’s saying no, which has probably been one of the hardest forms of self-care for me to learn. I’ve always been a people-pleaser. For most of my life, I said yes to almost everything because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I hated disappointing people. But over time, I started realizing how much that was costing me. It was exhausting. It took a toll on my mental health. So now, I’m trying to say no without drowning in guilt. I’m trying to choose myself more often. If I don’t want to do something, I don’t force it the way I used to. And honestly, that still feels new, but it also feels freeing.

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That’s what I’ve learned about self-care: it doesn’t have to look pretty to be real.

For a long time, I thought I was doing self-care wrong because my version didn’t look like everyone else’s. But now I understand that self-care isn’t supposed to be one-size-fits-all. It’s supposed to support you in the ways you actually need.

If traditional self-care advice has never worked for you, maybe that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. Maybe it just means you need a version that actually fits your life, your energy, and your nervous system.

My self-care might look different than yours, but it’s mine, and it works for me.

What does self-care look like for you when you stop trying to make it look like everyone else’s?

“Rest is not idle, not wasteful. Sometimes rest is the most productive thing you can do for body and soul.” — Erica Layne

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