When routines don’t stick, and you realize self-care was never about fixing you

I didn’t realize I was using self-care as a way to fix myself. Until I kept trying—and nothing ever stayed.

Trying to fix myself

For a long time, I genuinely thought that self-care was going to fix me. Like if I just found the right routine, the right flow, the right version of myself then things would start to feel easier. I thought that things would be more manageable, clearer, and more together.

So, I tried everything in the book. I bought journals, wrote out the routines, and told myself, this time I’m going to do it right. But it never stuck.

I remember one time being so motivated to really set a schedule and keep up with it. I was in my early twenties and back then, things seemed more capable and achievable. A friend and I set out to make our lives a little healthier by exercising regularly and cutting back on sugar. So, we joined a gym, made lighter meals, and leaned on one another for support.

We both made great improvements during our trips to the gym, eating better, and focusing on maintaining balance and clarity. I must say that exercise, even though I despise it at times, genuinely does improve your mood, your energy, and your mental health. But still, it wasn’t a routine or lifestyle that lasted very long.

Despite the progress and the mood shift, I just couldn’t keep up with it any longer. There was too much pressure I put on myself to go every day, eat the same things that didn’t fill my appetite, and just too much effort at the end of the day to keep doing a routine. It became tiring, mundane, and emotionally overwhelming.

I became very down on myself for not keeping up something that helped both my mind and my body. Why couldn’t I just make this a part of my lifestyle? Why couldn’t I just stick with something for once in my life? Plain and simple, I lost the gusto—the motivation to keep going and pushing through the discomfort of actually following through with the plans. My friend and I both stopped going about a month or so into it.

The thing is, I know that it would help me in the best way, but still I sat there frozen by the idea that this was what the rest of my life would look like. And that made me feel miserable. Truthfully, I hated the gym because of sensory issues. I hated eating smaller portions and nuts and berries all the time. I missed my old way of life, even if it wasn’t conducive.

The pattern I couldn’t escape

There have been so many times in my life where I would set out goals, hopes, passions and make them into something fruitful. But more often than not, nothing would work out the way that I intended. My routines always fell to the wayside after a few days. I guess I would just lose interest quickly. And I always felt this shame, this guilt for not being able to follow through on even the simplest of tasks.

I just remember being so excited to get out my journal and start writing out a structured routine to keep me on track. I’d highlight, color code, and make it look aesthetically appealing. But it often gathered dust on my desk for weeks, even months after. I just couldn’t follow through. It really did make me feel like something was wrong with me.

That I just didn’t have discipline, or consistency, or whatever it is people seem to naturally have. It wasn’t like I didn’t care. I cared a lot actually. I wanted to feel better, have more structure, and wanted to be someone who could follow through on the things I set out to do.

But every single time something didn’t stick, it felt like I was proving the same thing over and over again—that I just couldn’t get it right.

The shift

And that’s when something started to change for me. I had small realizations like… what if it wasn’t that I couldn’t stick to anything? What if I was trying to force myself into things that didn’t actually fit me?

Because when I look back, a lot of it didn’t feel natural.

The routines felt rigid. The expectations felt heavy. And the structure felt like pressure instead of support. And I was trying to push through all of that like that’s just what you’re supposed to do. Like if something is “good for you,” you just force yourself to do it no matter how it feels.

But it didn’t feel good. All of that pressure was actually working against me. Because every time I couldn’t keep up with it, I didn’t think, maybe this isn’t for me. I thought, I’m the problem.

And that’s what I’m starting to unlearn now. That just because something works for someone else doesn’t mean that it works for me. And just because something is labeled “self-care” doesn’t mean it actually feels like care.

What self-care looks like now

Now, self-care looks completely different.

For me, it’s not a routine I follow to the tee. It’s not something I stick to everyday. Not structured or aesthetic most of the time. It’s something I do when I can.

Some days I have more energy and some days I don’t. Some days I can cook something simple and feel okay. Other days when I’m overwhelmed, hungry, irritated, and standing in the kitchen with no capacity to decide, I just choose whatever feels easiest. I used to judge myself for that. For not trying hard enough. But now I see it differently.

Self-care is about choosing what feels manageable. It isn’t about pushing myself past the point where I know I’m going to shut down. It’s quieter than I thought it would be. It supports me in a way those routines never did.

I still have days where I overthink everything. Days where I feel off for no reason. Days where even the smallest things feel a heck of a lot harder than they should. But it helps me stay present in the moment I’m in. It helps me stay with myself instead of completely shutting down.

My self-care looks like

• Taking a walk outside, even if only for a few minutes, just to move a little and smell the fresh air. I stay indoors a lot, so going outside is something I need to do at least twice a day to help me feel a little more alive.

• Taking hot showers at night to soothe my aching muscles. I experience a lot of tension in my shoulders. It’s where all of my stress goes, and let me tell you, I’m stiff as a board. So I need something to release a bit of that pain.

• Organizing my desk at home. For me, I need tidiness and organization when it comes to writing. I need a clear space in front of me to let out the messiness inside of me. I write all the time, so it’s essentially my main form of self-care.

• Reading always helps me to calm my mind. Sometimes I feel pressure to read because friends and I read the same novel together, but I never force it. I let it come naturally when I feel like I’m in the mood for a good story.

• Light cooking helps me feel like myself again. Cooking has always been a passion, and a way for me to focus on something when my mind needs stillness. Making something simple yet creative makes me feel good about myself.

Small things like that are my self-care. Plain and simple. It’s what grounds me, and what makes me feel like myself. It might not be anything extravagant, but it’s tailored to my specific needs.

Conclusion

This is what helps me get through the day to day. And I no longer feel guilty that my self-care doesn’t look like my gym days. I feel more comfortable with the smaller aspects of what makes my life feel more manageable.

Because self-care didn’t fix everything. But it helps me stay.

What if self-care isn’t about fixing yourself, but about learning how to stay with yourself?

“You don’t have to fix everything to be okay.” — Unknown