From the Archives: Learning to Love Myself: Overcoming Inner Criticism

Learning to Love Myself: Overcoming Inner Criticism

Some days, it feels like I’m only just beginning.  After a lifetime of pretending—of masking, people-pleasing, trying to be what the world expected—I’m realizing I don’t really know myself at all.  Or maybe I do, but I’m still peeling back the layers.  I’m still unlearning everything I was told I should be.  Still learning to accept who I really am.  

The journey of self-acceptance hasn’t come easily.  It’s been a messy and emotional roller-coaster.  I’ve had to grieve years I spent trying to be someone else.  Now, I’m in a new chapter of life.  Even though I’m essentially starting over and reintroducing myself, I’m hopeful that I can accept parts of me that I didn’t know existed.  

Here are just a few things I’m still learning to accept:

1. I’m Impatient—Sometimes Explosively So

As much as I hate to admit it, I like order and structure.  When things fall out of place, or when people don’t meet me where I am, my fuse shortens quickly.  I get frustrated, irritated, even angry.  I’m not sure if it’s in fact an anger issue, sensory overload, or something deeper, but it makes me feel out of control.  I don’t like this side of myself.  

The smallest things will grind my gears.  Someone who doesn’t’ use a turn signal (come on people it’s common sense and not that difficult to do), someone who won’t hold the door open for me when I’m standing right there, situations where people give me a “look” and I spaz out.   Small yes, but irritating nonetheless.   

I’ve been trying to breathe through those moments.  I try to pause, and recenter before reacting.  I don’t always succeed, but I’m trying my hardest.  I’m learning to be kinder to myself in those moments too.  

2. I’m Quiet—And I’ve Hated That About Myself

Being the quiet one has always felt like a curse.  I’ve been mistaken for rude, disinterested, even lacking personality.  But I’m not.  I’m just shy, observant, introverted.  I take time to open up.  

Still, that quietness has made me feel invisible.  It’s made me lonely.  It’s made me second-guess every word I manage to say.  

When I’m around a group of people, even friends, I tighten up.  I get nervous and generally don’t like any attention.  It’s a double-edged sword because I want to be involved and noticed, but I don’t want to be at the same time.  I essentially create this scenario in my head that tells me people don’t like me when really, they’re just trying to make me included.  But I always misconstrue that.  I twist it into something that it’s not.  Once again, it’s all in my head.  

But I’m trying to accept that part of myself.  I might turn positive into negative, but that’s just what I’ve always done.  I’m trying to unlearn that and use my voice.  I just need to feel safe enough to share my full self.  I know deep down that I have a warm, funny, thoughtful personality.  I just want to get better at showing it.  

3. I’m a Complainer—Especially When I’m Uncomfortable

If I’m unhappy, it shows.  If I don’t want to do something, I’ll probably say it (or let it show on my face).  And if I feel pushed or overwhelmed, I might shut down completely.  It’s something been embarrassed about for years. 

For example, when I went on a recent trip to Portland, I panicked and had a huge meltdown.  This happened while I was camping.  I’m not used to roughing it.  Sleeping somewhere that’s not my bed, dealing with hordes of bugs, not using a clean bathroom.  All of that makes me uneasy.  

But I tried to pull through.  However, when morning came, I couldn’t take it anymore.  I yelled, cried, and through a temper tantrum.  I woke my friends up in a rage and made them feel bad.  Certainly not a moment I wish to remember, and I’m sure they don’t either.  

I don’t want to be seen as difficult, but I also don’t want to keep hiding my discomfort just to seem easygoing.  The truth is, I feel things intensely, and I don’t always have the tools to process them calmly in the moment.  I’m working on this.  It might take time, but I’m starting to be more mindful of the things I complain about. 

4. I Overthink Everything

I’m always in my head.  I replay conversations, decisions, things I said years ago.  I analyze people’s tone, their body language, their silences.  I imagine worst-case scenarios.  I struggle to stay rooted in the present because my mind is constantly drifting.  It’s either to the past or to some anxious prediction about the future.  

It’s exhausting.  But it’s also a part of how my brain works.  I’m learning to ground myself when I feel like I’m floating away.  Even just noticing the moment helps.   

5. I’m Still Learning to Accept Myself, Period

The truth is, I’m still learning how to love all the parts of me.   The complicated, emotional messy ones.  And I’ve only just begun. 

Some days I feel proud of who I’m becoming.  Other days, I feel like I’m drowning in self-doubt.  But even on the hardest days, I’m showing up, and I’m choosing to keep going.  And I think that’s enough.  

If you’re still learning to accept yourself too, you’re not alone. This work is slow, and it’s okay if you’re just getting started.

“Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

Paulo Coelho