How Self-Acceptance Changed My Life

Daily writing prompt

Describe one positive change you have made in your life.

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For a long time, I couldn’t see the positive in anything.  I viewed the world around me through a cloudy lens. I just couldn’t make out the imagery to get a clear picture. The negative space has always been home to me. Sadly, I never think of anything that’s positive about me, or my surroundings.  I always think negatively about situations, people, and above all myself.  But I’ve had somewhat of an epiphany.  One of the most life-changing, soul-freeing decisions I’ve ever made was to stop apologizing for being myself. 

I’ve struggled with my identity for as long as I can remember. Not only in the superficial way, but in the deep, internal sense of not knowing who I truly was. I felt like I was floating, going up slowly into oblivion. I was lost among my peers, and I felt like a ghost that no one could see or understand. Even being with my friends, it still felt like they didn’t really get me. I was the black sheep in more ways than one.  Always observing, always on the outside looking in. 

What made things more difficult was how I saw myself. I didn’t and couldn’t see anything of value. I felt unworthy, undeserving, and highly doubtful about the future. My inner voice was harsh, loud, and unforgiving. And when things got overwhelming for me, I retreated.  I’d crawl back into that dark, chaotic space in my mind.  The one where no one could reach me, even myself. 

I chalked everything up to general depression and anxiety. Thinking, “oh it’s no big deal,” as if those two things weren’t already enough to carry.  But something still always felt off.  Something much deeper was going on, and unfortunately, it was overlooked by mental health professionals. Time, and time again. 

Things started to come full circle when I asked my psychiatrist to test me for ADHD. And then boom, things started to make so much for sense. I felt the shift already beginning. The fog had lifted, and for the first time in my life, I didn’t feel broken. I felt understood.  

Not long after that diagnosis, I was inspired to more research about mental health issues. I discovered that I identified with a lot of autistic traits, and thus self-diagnosed. (It’s impossible to get officially tested, without paying an arm and a leg). But once I found out about these other issues I had, which included bipolar disorder and OCD, I realized that everything in my life began to connect. 

But knowing and accepting are two different things. It took me a good while to get reacquainted with myself. I had to unlearn years of shame that I carried.  I had to relearn my strengths, passions, and boundaries. It was like meeting a stranger and slowly falling in love with them. That stranger being myself of course. 

When I finally accepted myself for who I truly am, I stopped hiding from the shadows. I stopped consistently apologizing, and I stopped shrinking myself to make others comfortable. I’m no longer the passive outsider in my own story, and that is truly remarkable and freeing. 

I started showing up for myself instead.  I created a blog, which I’ve always wanted to do but never did due to fear of judgment. I began rediscovering what brings me joy, and I became more comfortable in my own skin. I stopped letting people take advantage of my kindness, an I found my voice.  A voice I never in a million years thought I’d have. I now participate in conversations, and I speak up, existing fully. 

My journey hasn’t been easy, and it’s incredibly far from over, but it’s been worth it. And honestly, it’s been nothing short of life changing. Once you stop apologizing for being yourself, you finally start living.