Facing Regrets: A Lesson in Overcoming Fear

Cringe Moments

Throughout my life, there have been many moments where I’ve looked back and cringed, thinking about how I handled certain situations. Every now and then those thoughts pop into my mind again, and I find myself mulling over every detail.  “You shouldn’t have said that” “You shouldn’t have reacted that way,” the list goes on and on.

The problem is that I internalize all the discomfort and end up getting stuck in a never-ending loophole of doubt and regret. One moment that set the trajectory of my life, happened during college.

Lessons in College

I was taking an investigative journalism class, a course that I was genuinely excited about.  I loved every course, and every professor I had in the journalism department.  Up until the first day I stepped into that classroom and found out my biggest fears had to be achieved to receive a passing grade. The problem wasn’t the material, and the work seemed simple enough, but the professor’s requirement was for us to do a daily report in front of the class about our research.  

We were essentially supposed to take over the lead of the reporter and do a presentation every single time we had a class. For me, I was just there to write, not perform in front of people.  Nor was I a broadcast journalism major, so I never foresaw myself having to act like a news anchor.  

Regardless this was a huge fear of mine, and the thought of having to get up there every day and deliver a speech absolutely terrified me.  The thought of standing in front of a group of people, knowing I had to speak on the spot, was enough to make my stomach turn, and enough to quite frankly make me run. 

 I thought I could somehow stick it out at first.  I mean I did already go through a speech class that I dreaded taking, but I had done it. But this situation was different. These weren’t rehearsed speeches; these were on the fly.  I’ve always struggled with communication, and it takes me a lot longer to process information than most other people.  I couldn’t fathom how I could complete this course with flying colors. So, I made the foolish decision to never return. I had spoken with the professor to see if there was any way he could work with me, and my disabilities, but I was met with a staunch “no.” He wasn’t particularly supportive, and I was left feeling more lost than before.

I ended up receiving an incomplete.  We all know how that looks on a transcript, and it’s not necessarily a glowing achievement.  That moment, that decision, ended up having a huge impact on my life.  Dropping the class didn’t just affect my road to graduation it changed the course of my college experience, and in many ways, my life.  I ended up opting for an online education to complete my degree. The fear I had surrounding that one class, was a fear that I couldn’t overcome.  I had tried and failed miserably.  

What I Wish I Had Done Differently

Looking back, there’s so much I would change If I could, and I can’t help but to wonder what could’ve been.  If only I had a little bit more confidence in myself at that time, I could’ve stayed at that school and graduated with my class as anticipated.  

I would’ve tried leaning more into the discomfort.  Public speaking has always been a challenge, but I now realize just how important it is to face your fears head-on.  Instead of skipping class or dropping it like I did, I wish I could’ve practiced more, sought out more help, or at least taken small steps to overcome my fear. 

I didn’t reach out to anyone about it because I was embarrassed and felt like I was acting like a child, throwing a fit because I couldn’t get my way.  But if I had just reached out to fellow peers, sought on-campus professional mental help, or even spoken to friends and family members about it, I might’ve pulled through it somehow. Sadly, now I’ll never know. 

Dropping the class felt like the safe option at the time, but it ended up being the opposite. This experience not only terrified me, but it also made me miss out on a valuable learning experience.  If I could’ve taken a risk, faced the fear, and spoken in front of the class, it would’ve been so much more rewarding than the utter regret that followed.

This one class didn’t just change my academic career, it also shaped the way I moved forward in my life afterward.  For the following years, I would continue to never push myself or be better.  I let that fear define my actions.  I kept avoiding situations that made me uncomfortable, and I would never step outside of my comfort zone.  

The result was that I ended up taking the safer route, the road less challenged.  It felt and still feels like a cop-out. Finishing my degree online, while fast and convenient, the opportunities for peer engagement were minimal.  I missed the classrooms, and just feeling like I’m “in” college.  I missed out on the rest of what could’ve been a truly amazing, and uplifting experience.  It could’ve been so valuable, not just for my education, but for my personal growth. 

How Fear Shaped My Path

Even though I have regrets, I know that I had to do what was right for me in that moment.  I had never realized the difficulties I had with mental health prior to this experience. It was an awakening for me in a sense.  This was the first time that I knew for a fact that I was different.  If I could become physically ill over going to a class, then I’ve got some major underlying issues. I finally sought professional help a few years after this. 

This taught me something crucial about fear.  It can hold you back, but it is something that you can overcome.  It took me up until recently to figure that out.  To realize that fear isn’t something you should avoid it’s something you need to face.  You can’t keep running your whole life away from everything, sometimes you need to meet that monster chasing you, and battle it. 

What I Would Do Today

If I were faced with that same situation now, I would handle it differently.  I would approach the fear head on and take those small steps to challenge myself and realize that failing in front of others doesn’t define my worth. I understand that growth comes from discomfort, and sometimes it’s good to push through things rather than dismissing them instantly. I don’t try to push myself too hard because I do have disabilities, but it doesn’t define me.  I’m just doing things at my pace, and that’s all I can do. 

I’ve learned that you can’t let fear control your decisions.  It’s always going to be there, but it doesn’t need to dictate your actions. If anything, the fear of not trying is far worse than the fear of failing.  

So, if you’re facing something that scares you, whether it’s something like my experience or something else, remember that the hardest moments can bring the greatest rewards.