Positive Events 2024
Sometimes it is difficult to differentiate what a positive experience is, when you’re so emotionally and physically checked out. This year, although incredibly stressful with a lot of ups and downs, I have never had more clarity. I have had many meaningful conversations with friends.
Therapy has also helped. Through research, I finally feel like I am getting to know the real me. For so many years I thought I was the only person struggling to keep afloat. I had so many problems that I would suppress deep within myself, and there, they remained dormant.
I always had extreme social anxiety. I tried my very best to blend in. I didn’t want to be teased or become the center of attention. I always thought I would grow out of the social anxiety one day. However, I am thirty-six years old now, and I’m still struggling.
Making eye contact scares the crap out of me. When I feel forced to make eye contact, I can’t focus on what is being said. I am too enveloped in making the necessary eye contact. When it is finally my turn to respond, I have zero clue how to do it. I wasn’t paying attention to the words. When someone asks me a question, I often repeat it.
This helps me process what is being asked of me. I feel there is so much pressure and internalized anxiety having to respond quickly. My brain doesn’t process things as quickly as neurotypical’s. So I feel incredible discomfort. I have to force myself to answer something. It’s completely not how I would respond if I had time to break it down. I am then left in a situation that makes me overthink everything that just happened. Thus, the never ending spiral of negative thoughts and self-doubt.
I did my very best to fit in with my peers. I did not realize I was masking my true self. This understanding came only after I did further research about autism in women. I frequently copied what my friends were doing. I adopted their interests and hobbies out of fear that no one would like me if I didn’t follow suit. Even though I haven’t been officially diagnosed with autism, I know I have it. High functioning yes, but I still identify with all of the symptoms women have.
My diagnosis of ADHD last year, really opened my eyes, and made me realize that I’m not alone. It then prompted me to do more research to understand different mental health issues. I know I have quite a few of them. I recently went with my aunt to an ADHD conference, and it was such an overwhelming yet insightful experience. I felt so seen and heard, I made countless connections with doctors, coaches, and fellow members of our community. I would definitely put that as my top highlight of this year. I have such new found motivation to raise mental health awareness and to break the stigma.
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2 Comments
Leslieedavid
You discovered what makes you you so that’s positive and powerful.
Leslieedavid
You discovered what makes you you so that’s positive and powerful.