Untying the Past and Focusing on the Future

a person decorating a blue fabric with brown rope

I used to feel trapped in the past, constantly reliving moments of joy and pain. Living in the same town where I grew up surrounded me with memories. Every street, every corner seemed to hold a story. There were days I wished I could return to those cherished moments. However, they also reminded me of who I was, not who I am now

Before I found a sense of self, I was trapped in a cycle of reflecting on the past. I thought particularly about moments with my friends, my “crew.” Those nights around the fire, sharing stories, and cracking open beers were unforgettable. We laughed until our stomachs hurt.

These remain some of my most treasured memories. We formed bonds that shaped us, and while some relationships have changed, others continue to flourish. I hold those incredible times close to my heart.

As someone with AuDHD, I have always been a stickler for routines and traditions. When they are disrupted, I feel a surge of anger. Anxiety overwhelms me. I grapple with the fact that I can’t control or change it. While I’m still learning to embrace uncertainty, it’s a hill I’m determined to climb.

A turning point in my life came when I lost my dear friend Mike. He took his own life a couple of years ago. His absence left a void that can never be filled. Mike was the glue of our group, a kind and empathetic soul who brought joy and light to every gathering.

He had a way of making everyone feel seen, valued, and loved. Despite sharing deeply personal struggles within our group, Mike never revealed how deeply he was hurting. Perhaps to a few close people, but there wasn’t any signs or grave concern that I felt.

Looking back, I see that Mike wore a mask—a carefully constructed persona that hid his struggles. If I could talk to him now, I would tell him to hold on. I would advise him to seek help. He should trust that there is a community ready to embrace him. I wish I could have been there to help him see the hope that he couldn’t find.

Mike’s passing changed all of us. It brought me an abrupt halt to the past I had been clinging to. I would never create new memories with him. I would never have the chance to tell him how deeply he impacted my life. He gave me confidence and taught me the value of connection.

He boosted my confidence and made me feel valued. He even got me to feel more comfortable with eye contact. Our crew will never be the same. Some of us moved away, others stayed, but the bond we share is unshakable.

Even so, my heart feels an emptiness. I am forever grateful for the 20 years I had with Mike. His loss plunged me into a deep depression. I felt stuck, unable to move forward or find purpose. I didn’t want to grow up, face reality, or embrace change. I was trapped in a black hole of grief and stagnation.

Recently, another loss struck close to home. My best friend’s mom, Susie, passed away from the vicious disease of cancer. She was like a second mother to me. Her passing broke my heart, especially for my friends Zoe and Sadie.

Even though it has been difficult dealing with grief, It’s also given me a moment of clarity. I realized I needed to make a change. I needed to become the person I’ve always wanted and hoped to be.

It was time to stop living in the past and start building a future. I decided to embrace life and savor every moment. I want to make those I’ve lost proud, to honor their memory by living fully. I’ve found a spark within me, a renewed passion for life that I never want to lose.

No more fear of the unknown. No more negativity. No more dwelling on the past. I’m focused on the future, and I’m ready to embrace it with open arms.