Understanding Personal Joy

Joy is something that I experience differently from others. For me, it’s an emotion that I don’t feel very often. Maybe it’s because of my negativity and self-doubt, or maybe it’s the constant brain fog, but either way, I’ve been ignoring, and quite frankly, forgetting that feeling for years.

For a long time, I thought I didn’t feel joy the right way. That there was always something missing because I wasn’t bursting with energy or smiling all of the time. When people talked about being “so excited,” I’d nod along, wondering why joy felt more internal than external for me.

But my brain just doesn’t process emotion like everyone else’s. Sometimes joy comes in small moments, sometimes it comes when I’m hyper focused on something, or when I’m lost in something creative and time disappears. But honestly, I’ve built barriers to protect myself from feeling to deeply, afraid that opening up to that emotion might also welcome pain.

Depression has always lingered beside me. It’s there waiting like a cat that’s ready to pounce. It’s something that takes full control over my mind and body, making it difficult to feel much of anything at all. I often disassociate and go numb, watching from the outside while life continues. It feels like self-sabotage because I allow the depression to win instead of fighting back.

I used to watch others engage themselves in joyful moments, feeling jealous that I couldn’t join them. I couldn’t get myself to their level, to share in that laughter or excitement. Instead, I’d hide in the corner somewhere, pretending not to care while wondering why joy felt so far away. I’d then distance myself and secretly sulk because of the loneliness I felt.

But over time, I’ve learned that joy doesn’t look the same for everyone. My joy might come in small increments, but still, it shows up. I’m not looking to drown in my sorrows forever. I want to heal, step by step, inch by inch, toward a version of myself that can welcome happiness naturally, without forcing it.

Joy is something that I still have trouble feeling, but I’m no longer afraid of that. I know that happiness lives within me. It might be quiet, but it’s still there. I just have to keep walking toward it, instead of away from it.