Lessons on Patience and Emotional Growth

One of the clearest lessons this season has brought me is the value of a dollar.  I’ve known for a while now how precious it is to have even a few bucks, but this year has really hit me hard.  The holidays have made it much more difficult. They’re usually stressful, but this time it feels different.  And my patience has been greatly tested.  

I notice it in the small moments like standing in a store doing math in my head or putting something back on the shelf and convincing myself that I don’t actually need it.  Whenever I check my bank account, I tense up and feel a dreariness settle into me.  

Financial stress goes beyond an empty wallet.  It creates both physical and emotional turmoil.  It hits like a punch to the gut, and when you already live with daily mental health challenges, it can feel overwhelming in ways that are hard to explain. 

My emotions feel much closer to the surface lately.  I’ve noticed more anger, more impatience, more reactivity.  Some days, it takes very little to push me over the edge—a minor inconvenience, someone’s tone of voice, things that aren’t quite going to plan.  I can feel it rise in my body before I full even understand what’s happening. 

This isn’t something new.  As far back as I can remember, I’ve struggled with emotional meltdowns and outburst.  My emotions intensify quickly, and it often feels like it’s an all or nothing deal.  I can go from calm to overwhelmed in seconds, and once I’m there, everything feels red and loud, and it’s hard to come back down to earth.  Sometimes it looks like snapping at someone I care about.  Other times it’s slamming a door, pacing the room, or needing to step away before I say something that I can’t take back. 

There’s a heaviness that follows those moments.  A mix of exhaustion, regret, and self-criticism.  I replay what happened in my head, wondering why something so small had so much power over me.  It’s painful, especially when you’re already doing everything you can just to stay afloat.  I know how hard I am on myself afterward, and I’m learning to notice that too. 

Because of all this, patience has been on more as I move into the new year.  I want to practice patience with my reactions, with my circumstances, and with the parts of me that learned to respond this way for a reason.  

There are a few small things that have helped me out immensely. 

• Walking away when I need to
• Writing things out when my thoughts feel jumbled. 
• Reminding myself that not every emotion requires immediate action

It goes to show that even in the middle of stress and impatience, I can still see small areas of growth.  I feel more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever have before.  I’ve taken a big step by being vulnerable and sharing my writing publicly, allowing myself to be seen for the first time.  I’m trying new things that are out of my comfort zone and dedicating more time to what matters to me most.  I’m choosing to take my passions seriously instead of pushing them aside like I used to. 

Today, I’m still struggling, still learning, and still figuring out how to hold my emotions without fighting them.  But I’m paying attention now.  I’m reflecting and letting my growth look imperfect and unfinished without guilt. 

Maybe that’s the lesson I’ve learned most this season—that patience isn’t about eliminating the hard moments but learning how to meet them with a little bit more understanding. 

“Growth doesn’t always feel like healing—sometimes it feels like learning to sit with yourself more gently.”