I’ve never been the best at small talk. I never really know how to answer those basic questions. How are you? How’s your day going? What have you been up to? If you think about it, those are loaded questions. Not as simple as you might think.

Sure, they’re just normal questions, and I ask them too. But there are times when I wonder what I’m supposed to say beyond the actual answer. I’m good. Not much going on.

And having to do it all over again? It’s more than exhausting. It’s irritating.

I really do understand why people make small talk. It’s a way to start a conversation, get to know someone, or fill the silence when you don’t know what else to say. It’s a little contradictory. I don’t really enjoy small talk, but I still do it. It’s one of the ways I know how to engage with people. I’m not loud. I don’t fill the room with my voice. I’m introverted, and I have trouble going beyond the “Hey, how are you?”

Personally, I’d much prefer to skip the small talk and go straight to something interesting. I like conversations where you can lose track of time because you’re genuinely interested in what the other person is saying. My attention span is really short, so if you’ve actually got my full attention, that means something.

But getting to that point isn’t always easy.

Most of the time, I just don’t know what to say. It’s not that I have nothing going on in my head. It’s actually quite the opposite. I have so many thoughts running through my mind and still struggle to come up with something to contribute to a conversation. Usually, by the time I’ve figured out what I want to say, the subject has changed, or someone else has jumped in.

I know how conversations work, but that doesn’t mean they always feel natural to me.

My least favorite part is when the small talk ends and complete silence follows. It doesn’t happen all the time, but for me, it happens more often than not.

Some people are perfectly fine talking just to keep a conversation going. I’m not like that. If I don’t have anything to say, I’d rather not feel like I have to come up with something just because there’s a pause. But I can’t stand the silence, so I’ll either blurt out something nonsensical or try to leave the conversation entirely. The latter can be hard to do, so I end up feeling like I need to fill in the gaps.

I think there’s a difference between being quiet because you don’t want to talk and being quiet because you don’t know how to enter the conversation. I worry that someone might assume I’m not interested, when really I’m listening, thinking, or trying to figure out where I fit into what’s being said.

Honestly, I don’t expect every conversation to be deep or meaningful. Sometimes talking about the weather or asking someone how their weekend went is just part of everyday life. And there are people I can talk to easily because we have things in common or we naturally find things to talk about.

I just wish there were less pressure to keep a conversation going when there’s nothing there, and less pressure to have an answer ready for every question. Not every pause has to be filled, and not every conversation has to be the same.

I think I’m just someone who needs a little more to connect with in a conversation. I like having something to talk about, whether it’s a shared interest, something funny that happened, or a random thought that turns into a much longer discussion than either of us expected.

Those are the conversations I enjoy. I can relax, be myself, and stop worrying about what I’m supposed to say next. I don’t need every conversation to be deep or interesting, but I want to feel like we’re actually connecting rather than just exchanging words to fill the silence.

What kinds of conversations make you feel most comfortable being yourself?

“Conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue.” — Truman Capote