Since learning more about my ADHD and autism, I’ve gotten better at understanding myself. I have a better idea of why certain things are harder for me, what drains me, and what I need. A lot of things make more sense now than they did a few years ago.

But that doesn’t mean everything has gotten easier.

I can know what I need to do and still struggle to do it. I can know something will make my life easier and that I’ll feel better once it’s done, but still have a hard time getting started. It’s frustrating because I usually know what the problem is. I just can’t always get myself to do something about it.

With ADHD, I can think about something I need to do all day and still not get around to doing it. It’s not that I’ve forgotten or don’t think it’s important. I know it’s there. I might keep telling myself to do it and get annoyed that I haven’t done it yet, but that doesn’t necessarily get me moving.

I notice this a lot with projects. I get excited about an idea and want to jump right in. I don’t always think about how much time or energy it’s going to take, and I end up taking on more than I can handle.

I have a really hard time keeping my room clean. A few months ago, I brought up some boxes from the garage that had old photographs I wanted to go through. I started looking through them, remembering things, and then got the idea to make a scrapbook. So, I started sorting the photos and putting them in order.

I was enjoying myself, but I took on more than I had the energy for. About halfway through, I was overwhelmed and exhausted, and I still had a mess to clean up. I knew I needed to take the remaining boxes back down to the garage.

And guess what? Those boxes are still sitting in my room.

I look at them and think about putting them away, but I keep putting it off. I still like the idea of making a scrapbook, but I got overwhelmed, left everything out, and moved on to something else. Now I have a mess to deal with, and I haven’t gotten around to it.

It’s frustrating when you keep thinking about something you need to do, but thinking about it doesn’t help. From the outside, it might look like I’m procrastinating or just don’t feel like doing it. I wish it were that simple.

I deal with this in other parts of my life, too, especially when it comes to taking care of myself.

I haven’t been as consistent with eating well and exercising lately. I love having sweets late at night, and even though I know I’d like to make some healthier choices, I still find myself reaching for the things I crave. I’ll tell myself I’m going to cut back, but then I end up having something anyway.

With my cholesterol being high, it’s something I’ve been thinking about more. I want to take better care of myself, but knowing I want to make changes doesn’t automatically make changing my habits easier.

The frustration feels familiar. Whether it’s cleaning my room or making healthier choices, I know what I’d like to do differently, but I don’t always follow through. It’s hard not to get annoyed with myself when I keep running into that same problem.

I sometimes call it a lack of willpower because that’s honestly what it feels like. I tell myself I’m going to do something, I know I should do it, and then I don’t. After a while, it’s hard not to get frustrated with yourself.

Learning more about my ADHD and autism has helped me understand why some things are harder for me. With ADHD, I struggle with motivation and following through, even when something matters to me. With autism, I’ve learned more about how much everyday things can drain me and what happens when I take on more than I can manage. Having that understanding helps, but it doesn’t mean I always know how to work through these struggles.

I spent a lot of years wondering why certain things were so hard for me. Having answers has helped, but I thought understanding myself better would make more of a difference. I know myself better now, yet I’m still dealing with many of the same challenges.

I don’t have some big takeaway from all of this. I’m just frustrated that I can understand why I struggle and still struggle anyway.

What is something you understand about yourself but still struggle to follow through on?

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” — Aristotle