Sometimes, my brain is stuck on repeat. I constantly think about the things I said or did, and it can happen at any time. I could be thinking about something recent that occurred and then suddenly a memory will pop up and my attention goes to that. It could be an awkward conversation I had, something I wished I’d handled differently, or a comment I made that probably didn’t mean anything to anyone else. But there I am, thinking about it over and over again.

I don’t always know why certain things stay with me. It’s like, why am I thinking about a meal I had when I felt overwhelmed? Why do I feel like I have to go back and change what I did or how I acted? Why am I still frustrated with the situation? All of these questions start piling up when I focus too much on the things I wish I could go back and redo. It gets exhausting having a mind that dwells on past situations instead of letting me live in the present.

It’s almost like my brain keeps a collection of moments I would rather forget entirely and randomly pulls them out when I least expect it.

One thing I do is replay conversations. I’ll think about something I said or did and cringe at the thought of how awkward I was. The thing is, I feel awkward in most situations. Conversations especially can go awry. I’ll be talking, but while I’m doing it, I’m thinking about how I’m coming across, and that makes me lose my train of thought. So often, my thoughts never reach the other person in the way I want them to. Whatever comes out of my mouth feels awkward. Even when a conversation seemed completely normal at the time, I can find myself questioning it later.

I’ve had plenty of conversations where I leave feeling like I made a fool of myself. Sometimes, a simple interaction, such as saying hello, will leave me wondering how I came across. I overthink these little moments and put so much blame on myself. It’s hard to move on when I feel like I should have done something differently.

I’m also someone whose emotions can take over pretty quickly. I can get angry when I feel misunderstood or judged, and I can cry easily when someone says something that triggers me. My reactions can be sudden and intense, and I don’t always know how to handle them in the moment.

One experience that I know I’ll have a hard time forgetting happened on my way home from my recent trip. I had been traveling all day, was already jet-lagged, and this was my third and final flight home. By the time I got on the plane, I was completely exhausted. I got to my seat and fell asleep almost immediately. I slept for about two hours, only to wake up and find out that we hadn’t even left the runway yet. My frustration turned into anger almost instantly, and I started yelling out loud about how frustrated I was.

I suppose I was disturbing other passengers, or maybe I was just being too loud, but a flight attendant came over, pointed her finger in my face, and demanded that I calm down. I didn’t take that very well. I pointed my finger right back at her and told her she couldn’t degrade me or point her finger in my face. She then got on the phone and told the pilot I needed to be escorted off the plane.

To make matters worse, the pilot came over the loudspeaker and announced to everyone that we were going to be delayed even further because they had to let a passenger off the plane. That passenger was me. It will probably go down as the most embarrassing moment of my life. I’m not proud of how I acted, but I couldn’t seem to control my reactions, feelings, or emotions in that moment. There’s no way to take back what happened, and I know I’ll think about it for a long time. I mean, who else can say they got kicked off a plane? It’s quite a rarity, but definitely not something I ever wanted to experience.

That’s the kind of thing I know I’ll think about for a long time. And it’s not just the bigger moments like that. I can remember things from years ago that probably haven’t crossed anyone else’s mind since they happened. I’ll randomly think about them and immediately feel embarrassed all over again. It literally gives me the shivers.

I think part of what makes it difficult to move on is wondering how other people perceived me. I can spend a lot of time trying to figure out what someone else might have been thinking, even though I have no way of knowing. A person’s response or facial expression can become something I think about long after the interaction is over.

I know I can’t control what other people think of me, but that doesn’t mean I never worry about it. It’s especially frustrating when I know my intentions were good, but I still find myself questioning how something came across.

The thing about getting stuck in your own thoughts is that you can be completely aware of what you’re doing and still have a hard time stopping.

I can tell myself that it already happened. I can remind myself that the other person probably isn’t thinking about it anymore. I can even recognize that I’m making something bigger in my head than it actually was.

But that doesn’t always make the thoughts disappear.

I get frustrated because I don’t want to spend my time thinking about something I can’t change. I’d rather focus on what’s happening now, enjoy my day, or just give my brain a break.

I also think there’s a difference between reflecting on something and repeatedly picking it apart. It’s one thing to look back and realize you could have handled a situation differently. It’s another to keep revisiting it without really getting anywhere.

I don’t always know where that line is, but I know when I’ve been stuck on the same thought for far longer than I’d like to.

What bothers me most is how much space these little moments can take up in my head. Something that lasted a few seconds can turn into something I think about for hours. Meanwhile, the rest of life is happening, and I’m still mentally going over something that happened days ago.

I don’t want to keep giving so much attention to things that are already over. I just haven’t figured out how to convince my brain of that every time.

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t what happened in the first place. It’s how difficult it can be to stop thinking about it afterward.

What is something from your past that you find yourself thinking about long after it’s over?

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” — Mark Twain