The Importance of Self-Care for People-Pleasers

When I was growing up, I never really understood what it meant to truly take care of myself. I knew how to manage myself physically, but emotionally, I had no clue. I was always focused on the needs of others, that I completely neglected my own.

I didn’t know how to ask myself what I needed. I was too busy trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I became the responsible one. The handy helper. The great listener. But I never knew how to show up for myself, and quite frankly, take my own advice.

I put everyone and everything else as my top priority. It honestly made me feel good to be valuable, useful, and appreciated. But the thing is, I didn’t realize that I was neglecting myself.

I’ve always been a people-pleaser and believed for a long time that my happiness depended on everyone else’s. Part of me still thinks this way about myself. But lately, I’ve put my focus and attention on me and my needs. It’s been so wonderfully liberating. I’ve truly turned a new leaf.

The thing is, I didn’t realize I was neglecting myself. I’ve always been a people-pleaser and believed for the longest time that my happiness depended on everyone else’s. Part of me still thinks this way, but lately, I’ve been focusing on myself. It’s made me a better person and a better friend.

I started to recognize what exactly I was missing. The things I internalized about productivity, worthiness, and selflessness made me open my eyes. I realized that I was misguided. Not only did I need rest, but I also deserved it.

At first, I couldn’t figure out the answers. I didn’t know how to retrain my brain into understanding that I’m worthy enough. I viewed myself as lazy, unmotivated, and rather lifeless. This made it really difficult for me to feel comfortable accepting that I deserved any form of self-care.

I released the guilt somehow. I began showing up for myself, not only when things were falling apart. I did this in everyday moments, too.

Self-care began to look like reading a book for a little bit of escapism. It also meant taking my dog out on a nice long walk and writing out my thoughts and ideas. It all truly helped me come back to myself, someone I thought I had lost.

I’ve given myself permission to do nothing. If I want to cry, I do it without rationalizing or suppressing it. I started sitting with my feelings instead of running from them. I learned to take a break when my body and mind asked for one, and I started respecting myself more.

It’s a work in progress, and it might be at a slow pace, but it’s something. More often than not I fall back into old habits. The shame and guilt I feel creeps back in, and then I feel helpless. I’m trying my best to learn that I don’t need to put myself down and set myself up for failure. I don’t need to earn care from anyone.

If you’re like me, you’ve probably spent years taking care of others and might have forgotten to care for yourself. You don’t need permission to rest in any way you want to. You matter, your needs matter, and you’re allowed to choose yourself.