The Quiet Work No One Sees

I thought for a long time that effort had to be visible.  That if you weren’t being productive or busy all of the time, then I must not be doing enough.  But I’ve learned that healing doesn’t always come with proof.  Most of my days are spent doing something deeply internal.  The quiet, invisible work I do to regain control of my mind, body, and soul. 

I have the tendency to get overwhelmed rather easily, and I have a difficult time trying to regulate my emotions.  When I’m in a situation where I feel like I did something wrong, then I mull over how I could’ve handled it better.  Sometimes I think about it for hours or even days.  My mind and body will then go into shutdown mode, and I crawl back into my shell and become recluse. 

Overthinking is like second nature to me.  I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I’m layers deep in a spiral, replaying conversations, and dissecting facial expressions.  My mind doesn’t let things go so easily.  It clings to the detains.  Even the ones no one else noticed.  It’s exhausting.  I wish I could just mute my brain. 

I’m currently a caregiver for my mom.  She has a rather debilitating disability and requires round the clock care.  Most of my energy and attention goes towards her, and it can be hard on me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  There are days when I feel completely drained by noon.  There are moments when my needs are left on the backburner. 

It’s hard to find time for myself to just be.  Sometimes it feels like self-care is a luxury I can’t afford.  I do get rest, but my mind doesn’t cooperate.  It wanders, loops, fixates and leaves me feeling anxious, even when I’m in stillness. 

I try to manage that restlessness in little ways.

• Calming coloring books
• Reading (even when I can’t retain the information)
• Writing, Journaling
• Watching TV (even if I’m not fully absorbing what’s on the screen)
• Listening to music dependent on my mood

These moments help in very small ways, but they bring me back to myself, even if it’s only momentarily.   

I love being a caregiver because it’s a strong act of love and compassion.  And despite its challenges, it brings me comfort in knowing that I’m helping someone improve their quality of life.  But truthfully, it’s an obstacle I face every day.  I’ve realized that part of showing up includes caring for myself too. 

Some days, my biggest achievement is getting dressed.  Other days, it’s choosing not to spiral into self-doubt and worry.  It’s the moment I pause before slipping back into old patterns.  These things don’t get much praise, but they matter. 

No one sees the mental circus it takes to function on a tough day. I’m proud of myself for knowing how to heal quietly.  No one sees the way I coach myself through a moment of overwhelm or remind myself, over and over, that I’m okay.  But I see it.  And that’s all that truly matters. 

“My mind replays everything. But I’m learning not to listen to every rerun.”

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