When You’re Harder on Yourself Than Anyone Else

“Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself.”— Francis de Sales

The phrase, “be kind to yourself,” is something we hear all the time.  It’s everywhere on socials, printed on coffee mugs, and offered as advice whenever someone is struggling. 

Simple enough, right?

Then why is it so hard?

Something about myself I realized is that I’m a lot kinder to other people than I am to myself. 

If I see a friend struggling or having a hard day, I will always remind them that they’re doing the best they can.  I tell them that everyone makes mistakes, that tomorrow is another day, and that one setback doesn’t define them. 

Yet when it’s me?

The conversation sounds completely different.

Somehow, compassion becomes much harder to find.

Have you ever noticed that? 

A friend forgets something important.  

“No worries, it happens.” 

You forget something.

“How could I be so stupid?”

A loved one needs a break.

“They’ve been through a lot. They deserve to rest.”

You need a break.

“I haven’t earned it yet.”

The standards we set for ourselves are often impossible to meet, yet we somehow expect ourselves to meet them anyway.

I’ve never understood why we’re so willing to extend kindness to everyone else while treating ourselves like we’re the exception.

I’m incredibly hard on myself all the time.  I’ll rethink of moments past that make me cringe with embarrassment.  Sometimes, it’s just a quick thought that gives me the willies.  Other times, it stays and lingers for hours, even days to come. 

There are moments when I forget something important.  Moments where I’ll publish something and immediately second-guess why I put it out there.  Sometimes when care-giving, I feel completely guilty for being tired and wishing I had more energy.  I somehow always turn something small into a reminder of every flaw I think I have.   

I think that for a long time, I started believing that if I stopped criticizing myself, I’d become lazy.  That if I wasn’t pushing myself, I’d stop growing.  If I lowered my expectations, I’d settle.  

But I’ve started thinking if the opposite is true. 

How much energy do we spend fighting ourselves?

How many mistakes become bigger simply because we refuse to let them go?

It’s been a learning process for me.  And one in which has been slow to grow from.  

I’m learning that my value isn’t tied to how productive I was today.  That resting isn’t the same as quitting. 

It’s hard to fight the loud inner critic, but some days, I forgive myself.  

There are some days when I take a break without feeling the guilt of it.  There are times when I choose not to replay a situation over and over again because I’m trying to focus on the present moment.   

I think that self-compassion isn’t about always knowing the right thing to say to yourself.  It’s rather choosing not to believe every cruel thought that crosses your mind.  

It’s reminding myself that I’m just as deserving of patience as the people I love most.  

When was the last time you showed yourself the same patience you so easily give to someone else?

Listen to the podcast episode here: